10 tech blockbusters (just waiting to be made)

Listen up, Hollywood: The decade's biggest technology stories pitched as surefire runaway box-office hits.

10 tech blockbusters (just waiting to be made)

If the biggest technology stories were turned into summer blockbuster movies, what would they look like? We had a few ideas. Grab some your popcorn, get out your 3D glasses, and brace yourself for some extremely geeky movies ripped from today's headlines.

Michael Chiklis: Wikimedia (Albert Domasin); Jon Heder: Wikimedia (Gage Skidmore); Steve Ballmer: Wikimedia Commons (Microsoft Sweden); Bill Gate: Wikimedia Commons (World Economic Forum); Megalodon jaw: Wikipedia

Tech blockbuster No. 1: FLAWS

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to your desktop

The epic tale of one man's desperate efforts to launch his new operating system, despite warnings of the deadly flaws that lurk just beneath the Surface. Will the sleepy town of Redmond survive? Can they kill off the OS before more users die of frustration? Do they need a bigger boat? Starring Michael Chiklis (“The Shield”) as Mayor Steve Ballmer and Jon Heder (“Napoleon Dynamite”) as Sheriff Bill Gates, with Harry Dean Stanton as the scruffy older guy and Ashton Kutcher as the scruffy young one.

Steve Jobs: Wikimedia Commons (Matthew Yohe); Will Smith: Wikimedia Commons (Walmart Stores)

Tech blockbuster No. 2: iRobots

A world run by a single tech company? What could possibly go worng? [sic]

It's the year 2014 and robotic clone armies are everywhere -- standing in line for days outside Apple stores, slavishly awaiting the next life-changing gadget, endlessly chanting “one more thing, one more thing, one more thing.” Only Will Smith can keep Cupertino from turning us all into mindless automatons and save the planet, because that's just how the Smith Family rolls. With Zach Galifianakas as Woz and Morgan Freeman as the voice of Steve Jobs.

Jesse Eisenberg: Wikimedia Commons (arincrumley)

Tech blockbuster No. 3: Facebook/Off

In order to attract them, he must become one of them

The world's biggest social network teeters on the brink of collapse as an entire generation of teenagers turn off their accounts. To save his company, Mark Zuckerberg invents a technology to transform himself back into the callow youth he was just a short time ago so he can "reconnect with the kids." Jesse Eisenberg (“The Social Network”) reprises his role as the awkward CEO with one billion friends but no one to eat lunch with. Also staring J. Lo, ScarJo, LiLo, and Keb Mo.

Bruce Willis: Wikimedia Commons

Tech blockbuster No. 4: Live Free or Spy Hard

Yippee-ki-yay, most honorable BLEEP

In a world where Chinese cyber spies have infiltrated every major U.S. corporation and government agency, one man stands between our nation and total economic apocalypse. Using bullets, bravado, and a series of snappy one-liners, Detective John McClane must wrestle China's cyber spy apparatus to the ground while ensuring that its government continues to loan us money. Starring Bruce Willis and a bunch of dudes half his age.

Charlize Theron: Wikimedia Commons (Sgt. Michael Connors); Marissa Mayer: Wikimedia Commons (Eirik Solheim)

Tech blockbuster No. 5: The Devil Wears Purple

Nobody messes with Marissa

A brilliant but ruthless CEO takes on a fresh-faced young assistant as she tries to restore a crumbling Internet giant to its former glory. Planning to work less than 70 hours a week? Pick up your termination form at the door, slacker. Need to work closer to home so you can see more of your kids? We hear Wal-Mart is hiring. Starring Charlize Theron as the tantalizing-yet-terrifying Marissa Mayer. Watch closely and you'll see a glimpse of Chief Yahoo Jerry Yang frozen in carbonite on the wall of Marissa's office nursery.

Arnold Schwarzeneggar: Wikimedia Commons (Neon Tommy); Google Drive icon: Google

Tech blockbuster No. 6: Total gCall

Reality has never looked so good -- or so profitable.

Slip on these Google glasses and watch those painful childhood memories fade into oblivion. Don't know where to go? Let the glasses guide you. Feeling peckish? The glasses know exactly what you want to eat -- and here's a coupon for your favorite restaurant. Totally creeped out? You haven't been wearing them long enough. Just lay back and let the glasses ease your mind. Starring: Who cares? Those memories have already been replaced with pictures of adorable kittens.

Anonymous: Wikimedia Commons (Vincent Diamante)

Tech blockbuster No. 7: U for Unemployed

Some call it cyber terror. They call it lulz.

In this prequel to “V for Vendetta,” a plucky band of teenage vigilantes attempt to change the world one cyber attack at a time. Can they punish the wicked, disrupt the corporate oligarchy, and create a new world order without ever leaving their parents' basements? More important, what's for lunch? Starring the least photogenic cast members from “The Hunger Games,” “Twilight,” and “High School Musical.”

Flying saucer: Chris Harvey; Twitter icon: Twitter

Tech blockbuster No. 8: Close Encounters of the Bird Kind

In space, no one can hear you tweet

An alien race has landed on earth, communicating in cryptic 140-character bursts. Can scientists learn how to crack the code before these extraterrestrials destroy all of humanity? What's the hashtag #2ServeMan all about? And if they aren't planning to eat us, why are they always talking about food? Starring Jeff Goldblum as the skinny smart guy in a lab coat, with Wayne Knight as the obligatory evil fat guy/walking four-course meal.  

YouTube (John McAfee); Johnny Depp: Wikimedia Commons (Anna Altheide)

Tech blockbuster No. 9: The Fugitive (El Fugitivo)

A murdered neighbor. A drug-addled tech genius. A Twitter account. The chase begins.

Dr. John McAfee is on the run in the rain forests of Central America, hunted for crimes he didn't commit -- or, at least, doesn't remember committing. (He's had a pretty good time.) To survive he must fight off armed bandits, cook up jungle pharmaceuticals, start a swingers club, fake a heart attack, and eat sun-dried iguana while tweeting incessantly -- and that's just during the opening credits. Featuring Johnny Depp as the brilliant if not entirely hinged Dr. M., with Zoe Saldana as his machete-wielding “assistant” Samantha.

Film negative: Wikimedia Commons (User:Caltrop); Cate Blanchett: Wikimedia Commons (Eva Rinaldi); Julian Assange: Wikimedia Commons (Espen Moe)

Tech blockbuster No. 10: Assango

The crisis is fake. The ego is real.

After a daring midday escape Julian Assange is now trapped inside the Ecuadorian embassy, eating empanadas and waiting for Ben Affleck to come rescue him. Can anyone save the Wikileaks founder from the brutal-yet-disarmingly-polite Swedish police? Where are the camera crews? Has the Nobel Committee gotten any of his messages? Starring Cate Blanchett in a gender-bending role as the elusive Assange.

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