Sept. 8, 2017
We at Apple are aware that many of our fans are perturbed about a recent revolutionary change that we've made to our latest and greatest piece of technology, the iPhone 8. While most of our wonderful enthusiasts understand that Apple is a forward-looking company that works to bring the future to today, some who may not have the same imagination have expressed doubts about the new phone. "Why remove a technology that so many are still using?" they ask.
Well, that's okay. We understand that not everyone can immediately appreciate how prescient our company is. Let us explain.
As everyone knows, texting has become the primary means of communication in today's connected society. It allows us to send messages quickly, cleanly and with immediacy, without the kind of extraneous chatter that marred more old-fashioned types of interaction. It means that we can exchange personal and business messages without interrupting meetings, movies or musical performances. It has become the preferred method of personal contact of the majority of iPhone users around the globe.
In addition, texting encourages literacy. It prevents prejudice against those with unattractive regional accents, verbal tics or unpleasant voices. And just think of how difficult it is to cut off a tedious vocal conversation, as opposed to simply sending an automatic SYL text!
This is why Apple has taken the incredibly courageous step of removing the cellular voice technology from our latest iPhone.
This is not something we did lightly. We know that many of our less adventurous users still cling to the ancient, outmoded methods of vocal communication, and we appreciate how difficult it is to move on from a technology that has been in use since the 19th century. But it is time to abandon hoary old habits and recognize that this is a new century.
And we haven't abandoned even those backward-looking users. Those who insist that they don't want to abandon voice calls can purchase our new, sleek iCall add-on, which connects via the Lightning port and allows you to use your iPhone as a phone. The iCall only costs an additional $350 (plus an insignificant monthly fee, depending on the carrier).
So I hope that we've explained our reasoning to everyone's satisfaction. Onward to the future!